@ the crossroads

Wednesday 30 May 2007

One definition for a crossroads I found was “a crisis situation or point in time when a critical decision must be made.” In a big way that’s where I seem to find myself these days. And some days, yes, it does feel like a crisis situation.

One thing that I’ve learned about myself over the past 10 months is how important being in control is in my life. It comes out in my desire in such things as planning out my day, scheduling the weeks and even months ahead of me, staying sober, and making sure I have enough money for anything that could possibly happen or go wrong.

For the longest time I’ve had a vision for the year or two in front of me, and even when that vision has changed, I’ve never really been in the situation where I am now, where I have nothing solid lined up after 10 August (though hopefully that date will soon change to 20 November…). But even then, things are still very much up in the air after that. Can I handle that? Well, I’m doing OK, but I could be doing better — it’s not easy (for me).

A few weeks ago I was asked whether anything had really ever come easy, in terms of making decisions about life, and I think the interesting thing is that, in many ways, it has been pretty easy until now. I could probably have a pretty secure road if I just decided to stay in teaching for the next 30-35 years, but I’m just not sure that’s where I’m being led. What scares me (and it does scare me) is that the other things I have in mind to do are somewhat risky and far from being a sure thing. I never doubted that I could make a career being a math teacher, but is that any more what I want? Or what aspects of it do I like that I’d want to retain in the future?

As I embark on the decision making process that will take me on my next step in this journey we call life (a big cliche, but whatever), I know that the next few years, and even the rest of my life, may not be the “sure thing” or provide the security that my personality desires. That will definitely be a challenge, but I think it is also something I need to do is live without regrets, which is something very important to me, as well.

When I thought about writing this, I thought it would deal with how I really don’t feel grounded or secure in much of anything @ this point in my life — location, job, relationship, schooling — and how different and difficult that is for me. It’s hard to have nothing to hold on to that you know for sure. I guess it’s more that, when I was growing up and approaching my current age, I just assumed that a 25-year-old would have at least something to be grounded with. But I don’t — I guess that just means I have to alter my expectations about what life is and when things happen, letting the freedom excite rather than frighten me.


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